"Daria: Tapped In" by Michelle Klein-Hass Timeline: just after "Is It Fall Yet?" and "Daria, Interrupted." ACT I EXT SLOANE FAMILY MANSION - MORNING TOM is trying to start up the old, rust-spotted Jaguar XJ6 he was given by his Grandmother. It's a pretty futile task. It cranks, but oh so excruciatingly slowly. INT TOM'S CAR -- MORNING TOM grimaces, sighs, and puts his keys back in the pocket of his Khaki Old Navy Cargo Pants. TOM (wearily) It's 8am. I've got to be at Fielding. This car is a piece of crap, but hey, that's par for the course. It's probably going to cost big bucks to fix this hunk of junk. Yeah, Dad'll pay for it. But he's never going to let me forget he paid for it, either. Dammit! TOM whacks the glove compartment, which opens, and his cell phone tumbles out. He punches the buttons and hits "send." TOM (CONT'D) Uh...is Daria there? Yeah, thanks...hey, Daria, I need your help. Could you pick me up? SPLITSCREEN INT MORGENDORFFER HOUSE, KITCHEN TABLE/ INT TOM'S CAR - MORNING DARIA, QUINN and JAKE are eating cereal at the breakfast table. HELEN is yakking on the cell phone nearby. DARIA is holding the handset of the family cordless phone. You see the scene at the breakfast table on one side of the screen, and the scene of TOM in the car on the other side. DARIA Uh...Mom's dashing off to the SUV, Dad's got dibs on the Lexus, and that's that for the Morgendorffer family fleet. Sorry about that. TOM So you're walking to school today? DARIA When haven't I? Anyway, Trent's got the Tank for a while...Max owes him a favor...so he's got it while the Plymouth Satellite is in the shop. TOM TRENT? Why him? I don't know what's worse, Trent's beat ride or that horrible van... DARIA Beggars can't be choosers. It's either The Tank or walking. And Fielding prep is the next town over...you might get there before lunchtime... TOM (reluctantly) True. Yeah, give him a call. It couldn't be worse than walking. See you later, bye. CLOSE SPLITSCREEN INT TOM'S CAR - MORNING TOM hits "end" on the phone, closes it up, places it back in the glove compartment and whacks it shut. DISSOLVE TO: INT TOM'S CAR - A FEW MINUTES LATER You see The Tank appear in the old Jag's rear view mirror. EXT SLOANE FAMILY MANSION - MORNING TOM gets out of the car and walks over to The Tank. TOM Thanks for the lift, Trent. TRENT I'm doing this for Daria's sake, not for you. TOM shivers a little as he can feel TRENT'S resentment hang palpably in the air. TOM Look, Trent...I'm sorry about Jane... TRENT You almost broke two people's hearts, not just Jane's. You should be glad that Jane forgave so easily. It's only because she did that I even agreed to help you. TRENT beckons into the open side door of the van. TRENT (CONT'D) Well, get in, Tom... TOM Yeah...ok.... TOM enters the van and closes the van side door. INT THE TANK - MORNING TOM sits down in the passenger's side captain's chair and slumps down, expecting more criticism from TRENT. TRENT I'll turn on the radio...do you mind Z93 Classic Rock? TOM It'll do. TRENT turns on the radio. It's towards the end of "Heartbreaker" by The Rolling Stones, and TRENT can't help but sing along. TRENT (singing) Heartbreaker! Heartbreaker! I wanna tear your world apart! Heartbreaker! Pain maker! I wanna tear your world apart! Oh yeah! Oh yeah!... TOM sits there, arms folded, in much the same uncomfortable situation as DARIA was on the ride to the art colony in The Tank with TRENT singing about "Betrayal." The song fades out, and just before it does, BING AND THE SPATULA MAN start their "Mental In The Morning" spiel. BING (V.O.) OH YEAH! OH YEAH! That's another ZEEEEEEE 93 long block of classic rock! HOOOYAH!!! THE SPATULA MAN (V.O.) Gotta love those Stones, man...they're still the WORLD'S GREATEST ROCK BAND!!! BING (V.O.) Hey, if you doubt they still are, you should have been at the Sportodome a little over a month ago...THEY RAISED THE ROOF, MAAAAN! THE SPATULA MAN (V.O.) Speaking of raising the roof, we're waiting for the live broadcast of the Spinal Tap press conference...Rock N' Roll Randy is at the Lawndale High Gymnasium where Spinal Tap and the Lawndale Symphony Orchestra will be making a big announcement! TRENT'S eyes widen, as he turns to TOM. TRENT Tom, isn't your mom on the LSO board? What's going on here? I'm a big fan of Tap...they're sort of role models for me and the rest of the guys in Mystik Spiral...in fact, the Spiral bit in our name is kinda inspired by them. TOM (sighs) Yeah, Mom is on the board of the Symphony Association. Yeah, there's going to be a big concert at the Lawndale High Gym... "Symphony On Tap" is what it's going to be called. It's going to be recorded for a live album. Their manager, Artie Fufkin, was over at our house yesterday. But then again, I almost broke your sister's heart... TRENT Yeah, but this is Tap, man! TOM Some people have weird priorities... BING Ok, I think that's the signal...the press conference is beginning now... CUT TO: INT LAWNDALE HIGH GYMNASIUM -- MORNING There is a crowd of students, press and local dignitaries in the audience, as the Lawndale Thistle Society Pipe and Drum band escorts DEREK SMALLS, NIGEL TUFNEL and DAVID ST. HUBBINS onto the dais where ARTIE FUFKIN, Spinal Tap's manager, PRINCIPAL ANGELA LI, MR. TIMOTHY O'NEILL, KAY SLOANE and MAYOR BEN HODGES are already seated. A huge "Tap In With Z93!" banner is unfurled behind the dais, making damn sure everyone knows that it's Classic Rock Z93 that's sponsoring the concert. ROCK N' ROLL RANDY walks up to the mic to introduce everyone. ROCK N' ROLL RANDY Hey, Lawndale!!! Do you wanna ROCK??????? The crowd roars its approval. ROCK N' ROLL RANDY (CONT'D) Because TAP is here to tell you about a bitchen concert that will be happening right here in this gymnasium! Ladies and gentlemen, David St. Hubbins, Nigel Tufnel and Derek Smalls...THIS IS SPINAL TAP!!! As if on cue, the crowd roars again. However, it is not any of the band members but their manager ARTIE FUFKIN who takes the mic from ROCK N' ROLL RANDY. ARTIE now has a chrome-dome and is dressed in a suit that looks right out of The Godfather. ARTIE FUFKIN Good morning everyone, I'm Artie Fufkin, manager of Spinal Tap. I am pleased to announce on behalf of the band that Z93 and the Lawndale Symphony Society are going to present a very special concert here at Lawndale High. We like to call it "Symphony On Tap" and it will be the biggest rock-meets-classical event since Metallica's... Scattered boos from the audience at the mention of that name... ARTIE FUFKIN (CONT'D) Yeah, we like Napster too, so much that we started Tapster...(recovers) yeah, since Metallica's "S and M" concert event a year ago. The Lawndale Symphony Orchestra and the Symphony Society has been very good to us...easily the best offer out of the many we've fielded from orchestras all over the world... CUT TO: INT THE TANK - MORNING The press conference is playing over the radio. TOM Yeah, LA, San Francisco, New York, London, Paris, Moscow and the Boston Pops all refused to give Tap the time of day. The offers Mr. Fufkin's talking about were from here, Arlen, Texas, Dubuque, Iowa, Bent Armpit, Wyoming and Little Rock, Arkansas...none of them are big classical music centers. TRENT Shhhhh...I'm listening.... TOM Yeah, right... CUT TO: INT LAWNDALE HIGH GYMNASIUM - MORNING ARTIE FUFKIN ...Tap is pleased to do this concert, and the world should know that Lawndale is one hell of a Rock n' Roll town!!! The crowd cheers on cue. ARTIE FUFKIN (CONT'D) I'm going to introduce Kay Sloane, Vice President of the Lawndale Symphony Society, who will take over from here. KAY SLOANE gets up gracefully and walks up to the podium. CUT TO: INT THE TANK - MORNING TRENT Your mom's going to speak. TOM Yeah, I know. Hopefully she won't embarrass me again... KAY (V.O.) Hi everyone! And hi to my dear son and my darling daughter...kiss kiss! TOM She DID embarrass me again. Dammit! TRENT Well, at least she didn't say your name... KAY (V.O.) Last night I had the loveliest dinner with Mr. Fufkin. He came over to visit with our family...Tom seemed particularly thrilled to meet a real-life rock band manager... TOM Too late.... TRENT My condolences... CUT TO: INT LAWNDALE HIGH GYMNASIUM -- MORNING KAY Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that not enough young people appreciate the classics, and hopefully this will bring more young people to Symphony Mall to listen to some 'real old-school heavy metal' as the youngsters say. This concert will hopefully also go a long way towards financing a new Symphony Hall, right next to our current Symphony Mall, (clenches teeth) where shopping is a classic experience! (sighs) Anyway, thank you, Spinal Tap, for choosing the Lawndale Symphony Orchestra for your "Symphony On Tap" concert! With an equally practiced graceful motion, KAY sits down. ROCK N' ROLL RANDY And now, a few words from Mayor Hodges... CUT TO: INT THE TANK - MORNING TRENT grunts and turns off the radio. TRENT Mayor Hodges...what a fatassed bag of wind he is. TOM That's something I can agree with. Glad that Term Limits are finally kicking the bastard out. CUT TO: EXT FIELDING PREP - MORNING Great iron gates protect the fortress-like campus...it's like something out of Citizen Kane. CUT TO: INT THE TANK - MORNING TRENT Well, here's Fielding. TOM Thanks for the ride. TRENT You'll get home OK, right? TOM Yeah...my sister's picking me up. You know, you didn't have to do this. TRENT I did it for Daria. She's a good friend of mine, almost part of the family. Also I think that Janey has some crazy idea of wanting to remain friends with you too. TOM You know, we could be friends too. I'm not a bad guy. TRENT Never thought you were. You're just... (coughs) a little thoughtless. Next time you should use those brains of yours that got you into this castle and think of the consequences of your actions. Later, Tom. CUT TO: EXT FIELDING PREP - MORNING As The Tank roars off, TOM shrugs his shoulders, and walks off to class. EXT LAWNDALE HIGH - MORNING DARIA and JANE finish their walk to class just to see a huge crowd streaming out of the auditorium. Several Limos whiz away, with media following with mics and video cameras. The Z93 van is still there, with ROCK N' ROLL RANDY interviewing people in front of the auditorium while bikini girls throw Z93 swag to the throng. JANE Did we just take a detour to New Orleans for Mardi Gras? DARIA No, we just took a detour to Hell. Classic Rock Hell. You would think that with what happened the last time the "Mental In The Morning" bozos came here they'd know better than to return. (yawns) Too bad they aren't serving coffee, though, I could use some. Suddenly DEMARTINO runs up, his fists in the air. DEMARTINO RANDY! Yeah YOU, you OVERGROWN HIPPIE!!! We need to SETTLE something! A few burly security guards dogpile on DEMARTINO before he can get a piece of his longtime foe. DEMARTINO (CONT'D) AAAAARRRGHHHH! You lousy RENT-A-COPS!!!! I just wanted ONE GOOD SWING!!! ONE GOOD SWING, DAMMIT!!! The security guards drag DEMARTINO away kicking and screaming. The camera zooms in on the throng, and a couple of very familiar guys are suddenly very obvious in their Spinal Tap t shirts and the same kind of baggy shorts they wore three years earlier...it's BEAVIS and BUTT-HEAD. The famous Mike Judge theme music is heard as soon as they catch the eye of the camera. ANGLE ON: DARIA As her mouth hangs wide open. JANE DARIA??? You OK? DARIA Oh god... JANE What? DARIA You know the stories I told you about the retards down the street back in Highland? JANE I thought they were just more cool stories, like your Melody Powers stories. DARIA Not cool, not stories. Real. Way too real. Music continues until... FADE OUT. INT LAWNDALE GRAND HOTEL, LOBBY -- MORNING DAVID ST. HUBBINS, JEANINE ST. HUBBINS, NIGEL TUFNEL, DEREK SMALLS and ARTIE FUFKIN are walking into the lobby. A few ROAD CREW GUYS tote tons of luggage and Anvil Cases. DAVID ST. HUBBINS Cor! I'm going back to bed...not used to doing press conferences this early. ARTIE FUFKIN Remember, after we get done with Lawndale it's back to Tokyo. That will really play hell with your internal clock. I suggest we stay up, get brunch and coffee...I wonder if you can get a good fish plate in this goyishe town... NIGEL TUFNEL You've been our manager for two bloody years and I still can't understand half of what you say. ARTIE FUFKIN Didn't you read that copy of "The Joys Of Yiddish" I gave you? JEANINE ST. HUBBINS Should have got it for Nigel on tape, Artie...you know he can't read worth a damn... NIGEL TUFNEL Bloody sarcastic, ball busting tart... ARTIE FUFKIN Now, now...please. We don't need another fight between you two. I feel like I'm a mom with a couple of screaming kids in the back of the station wagon. DAVID ST. HUBBINS (sighs) Now I've really got to get some sleep. C'mon, love...let's go see our suite. DEREK SMALLS Hey Artie...do you know if there's a good tobacconist in Lawndale? I'm out of my Borkum Riff cherry flavor... ARTIE FUFKIN We'll find one right after we find a good deli. One thing at a time, OK? DISSOLVE TO: INT PAY DAY WAREHOUSE STORE - DAY NICK and MAX are pushing a shopping cart with a big box of EconoDydees in it. NICK's son TJ is strapped to NICK's chest in a papoose pack. MAX We've got to make sure there's enough munchies for the next rehearsal. It never goes well unless there's at least a couple of king size bags of ridgy chips. NICK Remember...gotta get baby food and baby cereal first, then if we have any cash left over we get munchies. That reminds me...where's the diaper bag? Truck around the corner, where you see BEAVIS and BUTT-HEAD chasing each other around with baby bottles, squirting milk at each other as if they were squirt bottles. BEAVIS Heh heh...got you, Butt-Head! BUTT-HEAD Nice shot, tailgunner Beavis...here's my answer... BEAVIS gets a faceful and shrieks. BUTT-HEAD (CONT'D) Huh huh huh...that was cool. ANGLE ON: BEAVIS He's sopping with milk. BEAVIS You fartknocker! Suddenly unseen arms grab both BEAVIS and BUTT-HEAD. TILT UP To show that MAX has the two weinerheads by their pencil necks. BEAVIS AND BUTT-HEAD AAAAAAAAA! The BEAVIS and BUTT-HEAD theme music comes back on as the scene does a ... FADE TO BLACK. END OF ACT I ACT II EXT PAY DAY WAREHOUSE STORE - DAY MAX, and NICK (with TJ) are walking behind BEAVIS and BUTT HEAD, who are pushing their heavily laden shopping cart. NICK You guys should be glad that you've got some money in your pocket...if you didn't pay for our groceries I would have ratted you out to the security guards. Pay Day has been kind of notorious for the stuff they do to shoplifters and thieves in their back room. MAX Yeah...they're hardcore. NICK But where did you get that money? BEAVIS Heh...we're roadies. We work for Spinal Tap. NICK You're BS-ing me, dude! BEAVIS Nope. We're for real. Heh heh m heh heh... BUTT-HEAD Huh huh huh...we can prove it... MAX Yeah, prove it. BUTT-HEAD Come to the Grand Hotel with us. We'll introduce you to the band and everything. NICK Good. I can give your bosses a piece of my mind. You know, it's kind of uncomfortable for a woman to use a breast pump... BUTT-HEAD WHOA! You mean that milk came out of a woman's thingies? BEAVIS Heh heh...that gives me a warm feeling down there...heh heh heh...breasts...heh heh m heh heh... NICK I think I wanna kick your ass right now...I'll make you wish I turned you in to the rent-a-cops... NICK makes a motion to go after the two but MAX restrains him. MAX Nick...dude...these guys can get us in good with Spinal Tap, man... NICK They haven't proven it. MAX I'm a Tap trivia buff...what was the name of the first hit for Tap, guys? BUTT-HEAD Huh huh...that's easy...huh huh huh...it was "Listen To The Flower People." Even a cool band has to make a few songs that suck, I guess. MAX You're right! Well, you're right about the name of the song. "Flower People" was kinda cool, actually. OK, what was the name of their manager who made off with all their money? Beaver? BEAVIS It's Beavis...and the fartknocker was Ian Faith. MAX WHOA! You guys really know Tap! NICK I'll believe it when I can see an all access pass with your names printed on it. BUTT-HEAD Huh huh...why didn't you say so? BEAVIS and BUTT-HEAD take their hands off the cart and dig into their shorts pockets. They pull out Spinal Tap all access passes with their names printed on them. They look very official. NICK WHOA!!! Off screen, you hear the sound of a shopping cart hitting a parked car, and the blare of a car horn. MAX Oh my god the CART! MAX goes off to retrieve the cart and hopefully try to not seem obvious about it, while NICK admires BEAVIS and BUTT HEAD's all-access passes. TJ starts to cry, but NICK is oblivious. NICK Whoa...Spinal Tap...our heroes... CUT TO: EXT LANE HOUSE -- AFTERNOON DARIA and JANE are sitting out front, leaning up against the sculpture in the garden. JANE You know, we both have tons of homework, and I have to study up for that damn Algebra exam. DARIA Yeah. Still, it's nice out. When it starts getting cold out, we can put our noses to the grindstone. Let's just enjoy it. JANE Tom has certainly given you a different perspective on things. DARIA No, Tom had nothing to do with it. Our friendship being in danger did. You have to realize what's important and what isn't. JANE And those overgrown pre-teens we saw today fit in exactly where in your priority scheme? DARIA God, I hoped against hope that I'd never see them again. I figured Highland was their natural habitat, and that they would never leave that town...I mean, Jane, Highland is the one place even stupider than Lawndale, and that says something. JANE That has got to be a one-time thing...I mean, you aren't going to go and see that stupid Spinal Tap show next week, right? DARIA It wouldn't take a spinal tap...it would take a frontal lobotomy to get me to one of their gigs. Just as those words were leaving her lips, The Tank pulls up to the driveway. TRENT, JESSE, MAX and a TJ-less NICK pop out, followed by...the little weinerheads. DARIA (CONT'D) DAMN IT! JANE They couldn't be as bad as you wrote about them. DARIA Yes they are, and you'd better close off your mom's pottery room before they do some serious damage. JANE Will do... JANE sprints off to do exactly that, as Mystik Spiral and their newest fans walk towards DARIA. TRENT Hey, Daria...check it out. There's going to be a really important rehearsal tonight. We're having visitors...the guys from Spinal Tap and their manager. Cool, huh? BUTT-HEAD WHOA! It's Diarrhea! What are you doing here? DARIA I've been trying to avoid you too. No such luck, huh? BEAVIS Heh heh m heh heh...this is cool. I mean, Dia...Daria...we kinda miss you, y'know, and like...heh heh...you've changed...you look...heh heh m heh heh...HOT. BUTT-HEAD bitch-slaps BEAVIS. BUTT-HEAD Do you know what you just said? BEAVIS I meant it, bunghole. BUTT-HEAD Don't make me slap you again... BEAVIS You fartknocker! Suddenly BEAVIS and BUTT-HEAD are rolling around in the grass, punching each other out. NICK Well, Dr. Lipschitz says that you let siblings work out their aggressions on their own...let's leave them out until they get it out of their system. TRENT Those guys are WHACKED OUT, man. I'd better get into the kitchen and hide the dishes and sharp objects. MAX is actually doubled over in laughter watching the battle. MAX This is better than Jerry Springer and the Three Stooges all rolled into one. I think I'll stay out here and watch. JESSE Yeah...you're right. TRENT Now I'm not sure who's worse. CUT TO: INT LANE HOUSE BASEMENT - NIGHT Mystik Spiral are watching the clock, waiting for Spinal Tap to show up. BEAVIS and BUTT-HEAD are amusing themselves with a box of porno mags from TRENT'S room. ANGLE ON: DOOR As a loud knock is heard. TRENT C'mon in, the door's unlocked! The door opens, and NIGEL TUFNEL and DEREK SMALLS walk in with ARTIE FUFKIN. DEREK SMALLS Good evening, lads... TRENT Hey. I'm Trent Lane, and let me introduce the guys here...Max Tyler, drums, Nick Campbell, rhythm guitar and sometimes bass, Jesse Moreno, lead guitar and sometimes bass. I play guitar and sing. MAX (in an almost frantic state of excitement) Wow, man! You guys are my heroes! Yeah, man, I would even risk DEATH to play drums with you guys... NIGEL TUFNEL Well, we have Zach Starkey playing drums with us now...he'll be flying in the day of the show, and Mick Fleetwood played with us without incident. I hate to give David's wife Jeanine any credit, but she had some Red Indian shaman do something and she claims he removed the curse. Who knows, though...Zach is a busy guy, what with his Dad's band and The Who and all...maybe we could use someone to fill in. However...let's see what you've got. We're not putting you on the bill sight unseen... DEREK SMALLS Wouldn't that be ear unheard? NIGEL TUFNEL It's a form of speech, Derek. Not to be taken literally, of course. DEREK SMALLS Of course. ARTIE FUFKIN OK then, let's ROCK! Mystik Spiral dash to their instruments, and they do a bang up version of a fully fleshed out "Betrayal." Then, just to show off, they segue into "Tonight I'm Gonna Rock You Tonight." ANGLE ON: NIGEL, DEREK AND ARTIE NIGEL has a slight smile on his face. DEREK is tapping his toe. And ARTIE is really enthusiastic, with a goofy grin and clapping his hands on one and three. DEREK SMALLS (stage whispery) Artie, you clap on two and four. ARTIE FUFKIN Oh. ARTIE attempts to clap the right way, and gets all crossed up, Eventually he throws his hands in the air in disgust and walks away to find a chair. ANGLE ON: CLOCK ON THE WALL It's 10pm. DISSOLVE TO: ANGLE ON: CLOCK ON THE WALL It's 4am. BEAVIS and BUTT-HEAD are sleeping face-first in the heap of porno mags. ARTIE is dozing in a chair. And NIGEL and DEREK are having the time of their lives talking music with Mystik Spiral. NIGEL TUFNEL So I told the guys at Marshall, y'know, you need to make your amps even more powerful. Eleven is nice, but if you really want that good push over the cliff, you should make it even better. They told me, "How about if we make the knobs go to 20?" I said "yeah, that would rock!" So in 1999 they delivered an amp to me with knobs that go to 20. And even to this day someone can go to the Marshall custom shop and get an amp with the same treatment...it's the Tufnel Special. TRENT Yes, but is anything changed in the amp? Like, are the pots any different, or the power amp itself? Or did they just change the numbers? NIGEL TUFNEL Trent...they go to 20 now. NICK Yeah, Trent, they go to 20! That's nine better than eleven! JESSE and MAX both nod their heads in agreement. JESSE So Nigel, I've been using Ernie Ball Super Slinky strings, and Trent tells me to go out and get standard gauge strings because he says I need help with my guitar's intonation. But I can't bend strings as easily now, and I'm bumming about that. What should I do? NIGEL TUFNEL Well, I like my strings nice and slinky...why not split the difference and get Ernie Ball Slinky strings? DEREK SMALLS Trent's got a point though...David always uses the heavier strings...says they give him better tone. JESSE So what do you use for bass, Derek? DEREK SMALLS Anything I can get my bloody hands on at the time. I like Rotosound but they're just...different now. So anything goes now. I have a box of old Rotos for recording, though. Nothing like a fresh set of Rotos...nice and twangy. NIGEL TUFNEL I think it's safe to say you guys have the opening slot. TRENT, JESSE, MAX AND NICK (very loud) YES!!! BEAVIS, BUTT-HEAD and ARTIE FUFKIN are jarred awake. ARTIE FUFKIN Huh, what now...did the Yankees win the Series? NIGEL TUFNEL Nope, I think we have an opening act now. Mystik Spiral. ARTIE FUFKIN Yeah, those boys are great...good choice. NIGEL TUFNEL OK guys...see you at 3pm tomorrow at Rockmaniac Rehearsal Studios...the big room. We'll be rehearsing with the orchestra there...you should come check it out. TRENT Cool. Yeah, we'll be there. I'll set my alarm. Haven't done that since High School. NIGEL TUFNEL That's the spirit, Trent ol' lad! See you then. JESSE Whoa...we gotta get some sleep, then...can we crash here? TRENT Sure...no problem. Nick, what are you going to do with your kid? NICK He's with the Ex tonight so I'm cool. MAX I hope you were kidding about the alarm clock. TRENT Not this time. (beat) You going to collect Beavis and Butt-Head, guys? ARTIE FUFKIN Yeah...they have work to do tomorrow. They have to wash the tour van. Beavis! Butt-Head! Let's get going. BUTT-HEAD Huh huh huh...cool. TRENT walks over to where they were sacked out, and notices something. TRENT This is gross, man...they drooled on my porno mag collection! MAX Can I have them, then? TRENT You would, Max. You really would. Go ahead, they're all yours. MAX What a pal. FADE OUT. FADE IN: INT LAWNDALE HIGH - MR. O'NEILL'S CLASS - DAY MR. O'NEILL has books like "Psychotic Reactions and Carburetor Dung" by Lester Bangs and "Fear and Loathing In Las Vegas" by Hunter S. Thompson and the heading "Rock Criticism As Literature" on the blackboard as he begins his class. O'NEILL Now, all of you are going to see Spinal Tap at the Gymnasium, right? A show of hands shows that most are not. O'NEILL (CONT'D) You're not? I'm really surprised. This is an opportunity to see one of the finest exponents of British Heavy Music right in our own backyard! So I'm going to give an assignment that will be both fun...and a learning experience! You will all be assigned to buy a ticket to see Symphony On Tap, and then I will be expecting everyone in class to write their own review of the show. DARIA raises her hand. DARIA This wasn't something Ms. Li talked you into, was it? O'NEILL (begins fidgeting nervously) Uh...umm...Ms. Li DID encourage all the teachers here at Lawndale High to encourage students to attend this event, which will not only be a page in Rock N' Roll history, but also a great way to highlight just how cool of a student body we are, for the world to see in film and hear on record! DARIA Is Ms. Li getting some sort of kickback, Mr. O'Neill? O'NEILL (fidgeting even more) Eep! CUT TO: EXT LAWNDALE HIGH - OUTSIDE THE LIBRARY - AFTERNOON DARIA, JANE and JODIE are sitting on the grass taking a brief breather before 6th period. DARIA I wanted to avoid the damn Tap show. Really, I did. Why did O'Neill have to make this a requirement? JANE Well, you would have gone just to show some support for Mystik Spiral...right? DARIA I guess that's what a friend would do... JODIE Yeah, and since Tom's mom is Vice President of the Lawndale Symphony Society, wouldn't Tom be obligated to go too? DARIA I guess. (sighs) I like my Rock N' Roll with a little intelligence behind it. With Mystik Spiral and Spinal Tap, I suppose that's not possible. JANE Yeah, I guess you're right. Anyway, there will be great people-watching opportunities. I'm taking my sketch pad too...this could provide some great artistic opportunities as well. DARIA I suppose. There will probably be a lot of posing onstage, so that would work. FADE TO BLACK. ACT III INT SYMPHONY MALL - NIGHT DARIA and TOM are walking around in this mall, which up until the early 1980s was a single large concert hall. DARIA So what's the story about this place? TOM Lawndale Symphony Hall was an endowment from my great-great-grandfather Lewis Sloane, and it was built around the same time as Carnegie Hall. It was a finely tuned instrument in its own right. It was said that a person in the highest balcony could hear a whisper onstage. Well, back during the Reagan era, there was a lot of hue and cry for the Lawndale Symphony Orchestra to carry its own weight. To pull itself up by its bootstraps. To earn its own keep. My mom, of course, was horrified. But she was outvoted eight to one. Symphony Hall was gutted, and a ring of two levels of shops was built. The inner atrium became the home of the Symphony Orchestra...see, they are getting ready to play now. ANGLE ON: ATRIUM Yes, the entire Lawndale Symphony Orchestra is tuning up on the old fashioned-looking band shell. There are a few people in the audience, but most of the seats are empty. The conductor, NILES WINDHAM, gives the signal, and the Orchestra begins to play Beethoven's Pastoral Symphony. The noises of the shoppers make for a Spike Jones-esque counterpoint to the very refined music. The sound of a baby crying, of kids laughing and screaming, of a squeaky baby carriage, of a boom box playing rap music, all unintentionally become part of the music. DARIA I hear what you mean. A real disaster. TOM Mom and Dad have been trying to raise funds for a replacement. They have invested millions of their own money into it, but that really isn't enough. Even if the family bankrupted itself, the Sloane family couldn't possibly pay for it alone. DARIA So, that's why they jumped at the chance to have Spinal Tap play. TOM Hopefully the spectacle of our Symphony Orchestra having to play in a High School gymnasium will wake a few people up. Show people hat an event like this can't be held in an appropriate venue in this town thanks to some bad decisions in the '80s. TOM sighs and his eyes linger on the bandshell and the ignored music. TOM (CONT'D) C'mon, the Vienna Woods coffeehouse has great frozen lattes. My treat. DARIA Sounds good. Or at least better than what's going on in the Atrium. CUT TO: INT MORGENDORFFER HOUSE, QUINN'S ROOM - NIGHT QUINN finally gets finished with her homework, and grabs the faux fur-covered phone to call SANDI. SPLITSCREEN INT MORGENDORFFER HOUSE, QUINN'S ROOM/GRIFFIN HOUSE, SANDI'S ROOM - NIGHT QUINN is shown in her room, talking to SANDI who's in her room. QUINN Oh, HI Sandi! Yeah, I'm finally done with homework. SANDI Really, I don't see why you are all the sudden taking such an interest in studying. You're in danger of becoming like your...second cousin twice removed, or something. QUINN I could NEVER be that geeky. SANDI Well, since we are being forced at gunpoint to go to that stupid heavy metal concert, we're going to have to get coordinated. You can still make it to Cashman's tonight, right? QUINN Of course! I'll take the Lexus and pick you up. Dad already said I could have the Lexus tonight. SANDI You don't want to ride in my brand new Toyota Celica? Daddy just took delivery on it yesterday. After that incident where your dad couldn't drive us home from Cranberry Commons he insisted on buying it for me. I'll pick you up. QUINN You shouldn't...you should save your discretionary income for buying clothes, not buying gas. SANDI Mmkay, I see your point. Then again, wasn't that the car that couldn't start that day? QUINN Dad got that fixed months ago. Are we going to also pick up Tiffany and Stacy? SANDI Tiffany's busy tonight, and Stacy...well, after she got back from the hospital she hasn't been ready to accept visitors, if you know what I mean. QUINN You just don't want to be seen in public with her, don't you? SANDI Now that you mention it...I don't think so. Mental illness is so unattractive... ask Margot Kidder or Anne Heche sometime. QUINN Anyway, see you when I get here. SANDI You do that. CLOSE SPLITSCREEN INT MORGENDORFFER HOUSE, QUINN'S ROOM - NIGHT QUINN hangs up the phone and sighs. QUINN Stacy didn't ask to have a mental illness...Sandi's being cruel. Better not mention it though...she hates criticism. QUINN sighs and grabs her purse. CUT TO: INT MORGENDORFFER HOUSE, LIVING ROOM JAKE is sitting on the couch, watching a football game. QUINN See you at 11pm, Dad...I'm off to Cashman's with Sandi. JAKE You have money? QUINN Yeah, babysitting money. Although I would appreciate the Cashman's charge... JAKE No can do...you maxed that out three months ago. QUINN Da-AAD! JAKE Here's the Gold card though...will that do? QUINN Sure! Thanks, bye... QUINN high-tails it to the door. CUT TO: INT LAWNDALE GRAND HOTEL, LOBBY SPINAL TAP is hanging out in the lobby. A guy with a camera is filming the conversation. ARTIE FUFKIN OK guys, two more days to go before the big concert. You think you're ready? NIGEL TUFNEL I could use a better drummer...this studio guy we're rehearsing with is no better than Max from Mystik Spiral. DAVID ST. HUBBINS Yeah, Nigel's right. This guy is so used to playing on commercials that he's lost his ability to rock. DEREK SMALLS His timing is great but he sounds like a human drum machine. ARTIE FUFKIN Zach Starkey should get here tomorrow, and we'll do a dress rehearsal tomorrow night in the gymnasium. DAVID ST. HUBBINS I could also use a halfway-decent organic restaurant...this crap I'm eating isn't helping my voice any. As if on cue, JEANINE ST. HUBBINS waltzes in. JEANINE ST. HUBBINS Hi guys, I found a great place in the Dega Street district...Planet Vegan. NIGEL TUFNEL Great. Sounds appetizing. I remember that place you eat at all the time in Pomona...what's that called? Garden Of Eatin' or something? JEANINE ST. HUBBINS The Garden Of Eatin' is a great place...they make a lovely Hummus. NIGEL TUFNEL Isn't Humus what you put in your garden? First cousin to compost? JEANINE ST. HUBBINS No, silly, Hummus is made from chick peas, sesame butter and roasted garlic. I remember you even liked it. NIGEL TUFNEL What I'd really like is a nice Cornish Pastie. With tons of gravy on it. JEANINE ST. HUBBINS Keep eating like that and we'll be visiting you in hospital. NIGEL TUFNEL Yes! Now you've reminded me what that place tastes like! Hospital food. ARTIE FUFKIN Would you two stop fighting already? Anyway, the Symphony Society is going to hold a big dinner for us tomorrow in the Woodside room here. There will be lots of dignitaries there so I want to make sure there will be no bad behavior from any of you...and we will keep Beavis and Butt Head miles away from the proceedings...where did they go? CUT TO: INT LAWNDALE GRAND HOTEL, THIRD FLOOR CORRIDOR BEAVIS and BUTT-HEAD have somehow managed to get bellboy outfits, which they have scribbled all over on with pens the names of their favorite Heavy Metal bands. They have a luggage cart and are using it as a riding toy. BEAVIS Heh heh m heh heh...yeah, let's see what it would be like taking this down the stairwell... BUTT-HEAD You're on...just as long as you ride on it. BEAVIS No way! You're not getting a ride on this! I'm getting a stiffy from it! BUTT-HEAD stops pushing. BUTT-HEAD Get off the cart, bunghole, and let me have a turn, dammit! BEAVIS Heh heh...no way! BUTT-HEAD lunges at BEAVIS, and the cart is propelled forward by the impact all the way into the wall at the end of the corridor. They break through to find themselves in a suite where MAYOR BEN HODGES is in a bed with a SWEET YOUNG THING BUTT-HEAD Huh huh huh...way to go, old dude... The cart still is moving, and it's headed for the window. BEAVIS Time to bail... BEAVIS AND BUTT-HEAD AAAAH!!! The little weinerheads get off the cart in time to see it crash through the picture window and plummet three stories to the ground below. CUT TO: INT LAWNDALE GRAND HOTEL, LOBBY - NIGHT As the sound of breaking glass and the clatter of the luggage cart hitting the tarmac attracts everyone's attention. ARTIE FUFKIN Oh crap. They're at it again. If this keeps up our discretionary budget will be at zero by the time we make it back from Tokyo... ARTIE FUFKIN runs to catch an open elevator and catch up with BEAVIS and BUTT-HEAD. NIGEL TUFNEL You know, I really like those boys. They provide hours of entertainment. Not since Keith Moon and Led Zeppelin in the 1970s have I seen someone with the ability to cause major damage to hotels like these guys. I'm too old to do this sort of thing, so it's nice to at least be able to watch. CAMERA GUY And the expense isn't a problem? NIGEL TUFNEL Nah...I've got more money than I know what to do with. You can't buy entertainment like this. No bloody way. CUT TO: INT LAWNDALE HIGH GYMNASIUM - THE NEXT NIGHT MYSTIK SPIRAL is bringing their equipment in and watching the huge stage go up. TRENT Whoa! This looks like the big time. JESSE Yeah. Really big. TRENT Then again, this is Lawndale. It's not New York City, it's not LA, it's not Chicago...it's Lawndale. So that means even though it looks like the big time, it isn't. JESSE Yeah. You're right. NICK Look at the size of that amp bank! NICK looks at the little Fender combo amp he's bringing in, and gives it a little kick. TRENT Don't take it out on your amp, dude...you have to cherish your tools. No matter how low-end they are. NIGEL TUFNEL walks up to greet MYSTIK SPIRAL. NIGEL TUFNEL 'Allo boys...impressed yet? TRENT Yeah. Big time. NIGEL TUFNEL Well, we'll give you about a half-hour set...you have a set list worked out, right? TRENT Yeah. I guess that since it's only a half hour we need to do the short version of Icebox Woman. Damn, and I like taking the solo on that song. NIGEL TUFNEL Hey, I can only do the first movement of "Lick My Love Pump"...not enough time or a budget for copyists for the entire suite. You make your choices on your set list. Believe me, I've been in situations where Tap has had to pare down the set list to bare bones. So cheer up, lad. TRENT I wasn't upset. CUT TO: INT LAWNDALE GRAND HOTEL, WOODSIDE ROOM - NIGHT KAY So where are the boys, Artie? ARTIE FUFKIN I decided it was too much of a risk having them around...you know... musicians. Bad manners. Loose lips. Bad to have them around Society types. KAY Do you know if the record company might be interested in sponsoring the building of a new Symphony Hall in Lawndale? Yes, this concert is going to raise some money for the project but a big company like Vivendi/Universal would be able to provide the help we'd need...we have no qualms about naming the new Symphony Hall the Vivendi Lawndale Symphony Hall, or something along those lines... ARTIE FUFKIN I'm only their manager. Talk to the guys in LA about that...or Paris or wherever the new corporate headquarters will be. All I know is that Dead Faith Records can't do much...I've been trying to get the books straight for years. Did you know that Spinal Tap had 5 managers in as many years until someone contacted me about the job? KAY I know how that goes. Anyway, come and meet the crowd...I have lots of friends here from the Museum Society, the Symphony Society... ARTIE FUFKIN Lead on. CUT TO: INT. LAWNDALE HIGH GYMNASIUM - THE NEXT NIGHT ROCK AND ROLL RANDY is in front of the Z93 van, microphone in hand. ROCK N' ROLL RANDY Oh yeah! The excitement is so high you can FEEL it here at Lawndale High! Tonight's the big night...Symphony On Tap! And if you don't have tickets, don't bother coming down here, because it's SOLD OUT, DUDE! RANDY isn't kidding...the area around Lawndale High is mobbed. 3/4ths of THE FASHION CLUB saunters in, clad in velvet and Pleather and '70s retro-wear, inspired by the event tonight and by the popularity of the movie "Almost Famous." QUINN Sandi, Tiffany you both look FABULOUS! SANDI Yeah, you look great too...and considering the fashion sense of most of the people going to this concert, we're going to be the real stars of the show. QUINN You really look GREAT in black Pleather, Sandi. SANDI Yes, and those Avocado Green satin jeans and that Harvest Gold fake fur top looks..well...it's definitely retro. TIFFANY Yeah...Retro... QUINN Hey look! There's Stacy! STACY walks by, arm in arm with a very unexpected swain...UPCHUCK, wearing a burgundy smoking jacket, black trousers and a SPINAL TAP T-shirt. She's wearing a black slipdress. TIFFANY Oh M'god... QUINN Oh NO! SANDI If you didn't think Stacy was crazy before, look at her now. As President of the Fashion Club, may I say that as far as I'm concerned, Stacy's never going to be accepted back. Never ever. TIFFANY Never...ever. QUINN I guess you're right. Going to a concert with Upchuck is definitely hitting bottom. DARIA, JANE and TOM drive up in TOM's Jaguar. Yes, it's fixed, and as TOM predicted his dad gave him hell about it. The passenger doors open. TOM (O.S.) Listen, you go around the back to the backstage area and I'll meet you there. DARIA Yeah...will do. TOM (O.S.) It's so cool of you to get us the passes to get in like this, Jane. JANE When your brother is the leader of the opening act you get perks. See you in there! DARIA and JANE exit the car and TOM drives off. DARIA Tom's going to have to park in the next county. Maybe we should have just walked. JANE You might be right. DARIA Poor Tom. JANE Poor is never a word you use about Tom. DARIA and JANE avoid the crush of people going in the doors for the side doors around back. CUT TO: EXT LAWNDALE HIGH GYMNASIUM SIDE DOOR - NIGHT The area is crawling with security guards. SECURITY GUARD Ok girls...credentials? DARIA Right here. DARIA and JANE whip out their All Access passes. SECURITY GUARD Very well. Proceed. DARIA and JANE walk into the gymnasium. CUT TO: INT LAWNDALE HIGH GYMNASIUM - NIGHT The humble gym has been transformed into a Rock N' Roll arena. Some people are seated on the bleachers but most are milling about on the Basketball floor. Most people are wearing black T-shirts and jeans. TOM walks up to meet DARIA and JANE. TOM Did you guys get frisked? Those rent-a cops almost gave me a full cavity search before they let me in the side door. DARIA I think they couldn't find any female security guards for this gig, so they let us by. TOM That's good. So where are the cameras? JANE Most of the cameras for the shoot tonight seem to be remote controlled. Look up at the ceiling. ANGLE ON: CEILING There are several video cameras mounted on pods. With unnerving stealth, MS. LI sneaks up behind DARIA, JANE and TOM. MS. LI Ooh...isn't it this all EXCITING??? JANE AND DARIA Eep! DARIA Please don't sneak up on us like that. JANE Yeah...gives us the willies. MS. LI Sorry...anyway, those cameras? They are being donated to us by Canal Plus! Only after the show they will be mounted in the hallways...isn't that EXCITING? JANE (sarcastically) Yes. We love surveillance. MS. LI I bet you love to Rock N' Roll too! DARIA (in a monotone) Yes. I love to boogie. I love to rock out. Oh yeah. MS. LI Don't forget your EAR PROTECTION! MS. LI waves a pair of earplugs in front of their face, and moves on. JANE That reminds me. Here, Daria...Trent got some extras at Sam Ash. JANE proffers a pair of earplugs at DARIA. DARIA Don't worry. I'm covered. DARIA rustles around in her backpack, and takes out a pair of firing range ear protectors in neon orange. JANE Now that's what I call prepared. TOM What's with that weird old lady in the Dacron pantsuit? DARIA That's Ms. Li. Also known as G. Gordon Li Li. She's our Principal and Principal Disciplinarian. And vortex of paranoia. TOM Sounds like a fun person. DARIA Yes. Loads of fun. ANGLE ON: STAGE As the lights are turned off abruptly and a spotlight goes on. ROCK N' ROLL RANDY OH YEAH!!! Tonight is the night we've been waiting for...SPINAL TAP!!! The crowd starts chanting TAP! TAP! TAP! ROCK N' ROLL RANDY (CONT'D) But before the main event, we have a new unsigned act that's worth a listen...ladies and gentlemen...Mystik Spiral! The crowd still chants TAP! TAP! TAP! as Mystik Spiral take the stage. ANGLE ON: DARIA, TOM AND JANE. JANE This doesn't look good for young Trent and his buddies. ANGLE ON: STAGE TRENT Hello! We're Mystik Spiral. The band launches into "Every Dog Has Its Day" but the Tap! Tap! Tap! chant continues. CUT TO: INT LAWNDALE HIGH GYMNASIUM - NIGHT STACY and UPCHUCK are seated up in the nosebleed section of the bleachers, way at the back of the gymnasium. Mystik Spiral is not as loud here. STACY Thanks for taking me, Chuck. UPCHUCK No problem, Stacy. I know what it's like to be a reject. STACY Yeah. UPCHUCK That's OK. The fashion weasels, the jocks, the popular crowd...they're all going to wind up bitter in the end because nothing is going to compare to High School. STACY So, you're OK with our friendship being platonic? UPCHUCK I'd be lying if I said otherwise. But I spent time this summer thinking about things. I think that my approach has been all wrong. Instead of trying to be something I'm not, I'm going to spend time this school year trying to figure out who I really am. STACY Yeah. Me too. I've been running around with Sandi too long and put down by Sandi too long...I started believing everything Sandi said about me. That's why...I tried to do what I did. UPCHUCK We both have a lot of growing up to do. STACY Yeah. That we do. CUT TO: INT LAWNDALE HIGH GYMNASIUM - NIGHT BEAVIS and BUTT-HEAD are behind the bleachers with a flashlight. BUTT-HEAD Huh huh huh...I hope some of the girls here are wearing skirts. BEAVIS Heh heh m heh heh...short skirts! BUTT-HEAD The shorter the better the sweater to get her...or something...huh huh huh. They clamber in and around the bleachers, shining the flashlight up at the people seated there. BEAVIS Damn, you can't see a thing with those seats in the way. That sucks. BUTT-HEAD Huh huh huh...yeah, that does suck. CUT TO: INT LAWNDALE HIGH GYMNASIUM - NIGHT Mystik Spiral are finishing their set and dodging paper cups thrown at them. ANGLE ON: TRENT AND JESSE They are whispering to each other. TRENT We gotta go. This is crap. JESSE Let's finish this song. TRENT Then we bail. JESSE Yeah. ANGLE ON: WHOLE STAGE The people up front begin to shake the stage. MAX is teetering on his drum throne, then he falls. MAX Guys! I'm down! TRENT Damn! Let's get out of here... MAX gets up, and the rest of Mystik Spiral unplug and run. CUT TO: INT LAWNDALE HIGH GYMNASIUM BACKSTAGE AREA - NIGHT Mystik Spiral walk right past the Spinal Tap guys, who are cooling their heels waiting to go on. NIGEL TUFNEL Hey, lads... TRENT What? We bombed out there. They want Tap. Give it to them. They didn't want us. NIGEL TUFNEL Hell, we've had all kinds of crap thrown at us. So, there's a bunch of hooligans out there. We've dealt with them for decades, man! Paper cups are nothing compared to pint glasses and beer bottles! You guys sounded great out there. This isn't the end for you but the beginning. TRENT and the rest of Mystik Spiral stop in their tracks. TRENT Thanks, man...that means a lot. TRENT and NIGEL shake hands. NIGEL TUFNEL Cheers, guys. It's our turn now. See you at the party later, OK? CUT TO: INT LAWNDALE HIGH GYMNASIUM - A FEW MINUTES LATER The chant of Tap! Tap! Tap! has been going on for a while now, to the rhythm of stomping feet and hands pounding on the stage. ROCK N' ROLL RANDY walks out on stage, to the roar of the crowd. ROCK N' ROLL RANDY OK...here it comes! Symphony On Tap, featuring Spinal Tap!!! The crowd roars its approval. The stage is covered by a translucent curtain, as the Lawndale Symphony Orchestra begins, pianissimo at the beginning, to play the song "Break Like The Wind." Then the three frontmen of Spinal Tap begin to sing. As the song continues, electric instruments begin entering the picture. Then, when the verse comes where it gets really loud, the translucent curtain falls, revealing the huge stage with Spinal Tap literally surrounded on three sides by the orchestra. CUT TO: INT LAWNDALE HIGH GYMNASIUM - NIGHT DARIA, JANE and TOM stand and watch for a few minutes, then they go backstage to try to find TRENT and his band. CUT TO: EXT LAWNDALE HIGH GYMNASIUM PARKING LOT - NIGHT The members of Mystik Spiral are hanging out in the parking lot. The Tank has its side door open so that the proceedings can be heard, however faintly, from outside. DARIA Oh, there you guys are! JANE We thought you'd be in there watching Spinal Tap! TOM Trent...you said you really liked them. TRENT Yeah, I do. Big time. And I have more respect for them now than ever. TOM So why are you not in there? TRENT One, we don't feel welcome in there. It's not because of the guys in Tap...far from it, Nigel even told me I sounded good tonight. It's all those freakin' metalheads. They hated us. They were yelling for Tap all the way through our set. We know when we're not wanted. Two, we can hear OK from here. And three, The Tank doesn't have working locks on the doors. Our equipment might suck next to Tap's but it's all we've got. TOM I understand. OK, let's hang here and listen. TRENT They invited us to a party after the show. TOM Sounds good...never been to a Rock N' Roll after-show party. You game, Daria? DARIA I suppose...I don't know how late I can stay up before I do nosedives, though. JANE Not a big partier, I see. DARIA When have I been? TRENT Well, we'll party even harder to make up for you. CUT TO: INT LAWNDALE HIGH GYMNASIUM - NIGHT BEAVIS and BUTT-HEAD are still looking for upskirt action when they trip over a beam supporting one of the bleachers. There is a rumble even louder than what's going on on stage, and the bleachers begin to crumble. BEAVIS Whoa! Let's get outta here! BUTT-HEAD Can't! I'm trapped! ANGLE ON: OPPOSITE BLEACHERS STACY notices the bleachers on the other side begin to buckle. STACY CHUCK! THE OTHER BLEACHERS ARE FALLING! UPCHUCK Holy crap! ANGLE ON: CRUMBLING BLEACHERS As people scream and try to run. Some escape, some don't get a chance, as the bleachers collapse completely. Screams of agony are heard. CUT TO: INT LAWNDALE HIGH GYMNASIUM ON STAGE - NIGHT The band keeps playing...the glare of the lights prevent anyone from seeing what's going on, and the volume prevents anyone onstage from hearing the screams for help. Spinal Tap are playing "Hell Hole" as this all goes on. CUT TO: INT LAWNDALE HIGH GYMNASIUM - NIGHT STACY and UPCHUCK run towards the bleachers. ANGLE ON: THE FASHION CLUB They are pinned under some of the rubble. SANDI has been knocked out, but QUINN and TIFFANY are conscious and groaning in pain. STACY and UPCHUCK set to work pulling them out of the wreckage. STACY This could hurt them even worse... UPCHUCK Yeah, but leaving them there would be even worse. Now pull with me... They manage to get them free, and UPCHUCK carries SANDI away. QUINN and TIFFANY are scraped up and bruised but are more or less ambulatory. CUT TO: EXT LAWNDALE HIGH GYMNASIUM PARKING LOT - NIGHT SANDI comes to as the cool of the night air hits her. SANDI OWWW! What the hell happened? UPCHUCK The bleachers collapsed. You were knocked out. Quinn and Tiffany got out on their own power. SANDI Your voice sounds familiar. I think I can place it...oh my god it's UPCHUCK! UPCHUCK Yep. Now calm down, we have to get you to the hospital. SANDI Oh my god he's touching me! Get him off me! Get him off me! STACY He may just have saved your life, Sandi. Think about that. And calm down. CUT TO: INT LAWNDALE HIGH GYMNASIUM - NIGHT The house lights are on, and the show has stopped. People are being pulled from the wreckage of the bleachers, some looking real bad, others just pinned by the debris, bruised but not badly hurt. CUT TO: INT LAWNDALE HIGH GYMNASIUM BACKSTAGE AREA - NIGHT MS. LI and ARTIE FUFKIN are having a heated argument. MS. LI Mr. Fufkin, I hold you 100% responsible for this debacle! I will see your butt in court! ARTIE FUFKIN Oh yeah? Well, I'm a lawyer myself, and I can see lots of grounds to sue you and the Lawndale Unified School District for everything you have in your puny, anemic coffers! Those bleachers must have been in REALLY BAD SHAPE if they caved in like they did! Your negligence caused grievous injury and maybe even DEATH tonight! MS. LI Let's see who wins when I send my lawyers to beat up your lawyers. ARTIE FUFKIN You're SO on! I'll be back, you bitch! MS. LI I look forward to destroying you, Fufkin! CUT TO: EXT LAWNDALE HIGH GYMNASIUM PARKING LOT - NIGHT As Paramedic trucks begin to roll in, UPCHUCK, STACY, QUINN and TIFFANY finally make it to The Tank. DARIA Oh my god...what happened? UPCHUCK One of the bleachers gave way. We managed to get Tiffany and your sister free and they seem to not be too badly hurt. Sandi was knocked cold. We need to get them to the hospital...Cedars is about a mile from here. TRENT Let's roll. CUT TO: INT CEDARS OF LAWNDALE EMERGENCY ROOM - LATE NIGHT The room is full of injured people. The camera pans along to see several faces we know amongst the injured and the concerned who are there comforting them: JODIE, MACK, MR. O'NEILL, MS. BARCH, to name a few. Even BEAVIS and BUTT-HEAD are there, both tied to backboards on gurneys. BUTT-HEAD Oww...this damn board thing hurts! BEAVIS I hate this...OWW! Turn me loose from this thing! A TOUGH NURSE walks by. TOUGH NURSE Listen you little twerps, it's there for your own good. Do you wanna end up like Christopher Reeve, for godsakes? We'll turn you loose when we get some X-Rays of your neck and back, but no sooner. And there's a lot of people more injured than you guys are ahead of you. ANGLE ON: THE AUTOMATIC DOOR As NIGEL TUFNEL, DAVID ST. HUBBINS, DEREK SMALLS, ZACH STARKEY and a few members of the SPINAL TAP ROAD CREW walk in. The guys in SPINAL TAP are in their street clothes. JEANINE ST. HUBBINS follows in, directing the CATERING CREW to bring the boxes of party food into the waiting room. JEANINE ST. HUBBINS Hi all...we felt it was more appropriate to share this all with you rather than throw a party while you all were hurting. DEREK SMALLS Yeah! Food for all...they won't let us bring the Champagne in here...some crap about hospital regulations. DAVID ST. HUBBINS We feel your pain and want you to know that Spinal Tap will get to the bottom of what happened and make sure everyone is made whole for what happened. NIGEL TUFNEL Yeah! What David said! The food is distributed, and even those immobilized on backboards get a few bites of the cake and hors d'oevres. DARIA, JANE, TOM, STACY, UPCHUCK and the members of MYSTIK SPIRAL help to distribute the food. QUINN and TIFFANY are seated in wheelchairs, while SANDI is lying on a gurney, all close together. QUINN Sandi? SANDI Oww...yeah, Quinn? QUINN I think we should let Stacy back into the Fashion Club. SANDI Why? She's a mental case, and she went out with Upchuck! That's enough for a lifetime ban. QUINN She also got us all free of the wreckage. And Upchuck carried you out of the gymnasium. They could have just bailed but they helped you guys. TIFFANY Yeah...they're like...heroes...or something. QUINN So, all for bringing Stacy back into the Fashion Club? TIFFANY and QUINN raise their hands. QUINN (CONT'D) All opposed? SANDI tries to raise her hand but something is wrong with it. SANDI I think, due to circumstances, I should be marked down as abstaining. Quinn, tell Stacy that as recording secretary, she should get this down on paper when she has the time. And someone get a nurse, I really am hurting badly. QUINN Wow, you never know about some people. I never would figure Upchuck to be the one to go in and help people like that. You never know. TIFFANY Yeah... DISSOLVE TO: INT LAWNDALE GRAND HOTEL, WOODSIDE ROOM - THE NEXT DAY There is a press conference going on, conducted by ARTIE FUFKIN and SPINAL TAP. ARTIE FUFKIN Yesterday evening, in the middle of Spinal Tap's set with the Lawndale Symphony Orchestra, one of the two sets of bleachers gave way, causing 125 people to be injured, most in a minor way, but 30 remain hospitalized at Cedars Of Lawndale as I speak. The Lawndale PD and Lawndale Fire are currently investigating the cause of the tragedy now. We should consider everyone very lucky, because nobody's injuries were life-threatening, and panic was kept to a minimum. We have to mention the heroic efforts of some of the students of Lawndale High, Stacy Rowe and Charles Ruttheimer III to name but two, who helped Lawndale Fire extricate victims from the wreckage. CUT TO: INT LAWNDALE HIGH AUDITORIUM As students watch the press conference as it airs on CNN. Some students are wearing metallic silver ribbons as a show of support for those who got hurt in the accident. CUT TO: INT CEDARS OF LAWNDALE, ROOM SHARED BY BEAVIS AND BUTT-HEAD - DAY BEAVIS and BUTT-HEAD are sitting in adjacent hospital beds, wearing hospital gowns. They are bandaged up pretty bad, BEAVIS has his left arm in a sling, and BUTT-HEAD's right leg is in traction. BUTT-HEAD Huh huh huh...last night was cool. BEAVIS Why? I broke my arm, you broke your leg, and we never saw up any girls' skirts. BUTT-HEAD Still...it was a Tap concert. BEAVIS Yeah, you're right. Tap rules! They rule! With BEAVIS' good arm, BEAVIS throws the devil horns salute to the TV, and BUTT-HEAD also salutes the TV the same way. The theme music to BEAVIS and BUTT-HEAD comes up as the screen freezes, then pushes to the left to allow the credits to roll. END My thanks to Peter Guerin, for suggesting the initial idea for this story, Bill Mc Neal for suggesting Beavis and Butt Head's appearance, Danny Caccavo for suggesting I proceed with this, and everyone in #Daria+ on Sorcery.Net IRC for encouragement. Most importantly thanks to Richie Hass for a lot of the really good ideas, like "Symphony Mall," and for the musical details. Smoochies Richie! :-) The characters of "Daria" are Copyright 2000 MTV Networks, Inc., a Viacom International Company. They were created by Glenn Eichler and Susie Lewis. "Spinal Tap" is a property of Canal Plus Studios Et Cie, "Spinal Tap" was created by Rob Reiner, Michael McKean, Christopher Guest and Harry Shearer. "Beavis and Butt-Head" is a property of MTV Networks, Inc., a Viacom International Company, and were created by Mike Judge.